simple molecules.

i hate that it took so long for myself to be here again 

writing to you, for you.

it’s embarrassing when i've worked my whole life for compliments, 

yet when i get them, 

i dont know how to handle it.

at all.

it’s embarrassing it’s another christmas holiday with no one to meet my family.

questioning really what my missing puzzle piece is.

it’s embarrassing when i leave my house feeling as ugly on the outside as inside.

passing strangers with only in frame my shoes hitting the cement slabs.

it’s embarrasing letting a new person in- and starting over again- unraveling yourself.

which leads me all back to christmas again.

it’s embarrassing asking the love of your life time and time again for the effort-

it’s even more embarrassing lying to your friends with a manufactured smile exclaiming “he’s great!”

it’s embarrassing to come back to a pen and sheet of white paper after years of ?????

knowing i’ve done my younger self injustice.

it’s embarrassing falling off into an infinite, narrow abyss.

grasping for the tiniest thing to spark a fire.

it’s embarrassing when jeans are too tight, then too loose, then again and on and on and on.

when will it go away?

it’s embarrassing to sit around with an 18 dollar glass of wine and talk about what it means to be an artist.

whatever that actually means?

it’s embarrassing noticing a cycle. 

yelling at yourself in the mirror to get out.

it’s embarrassing sharing these writings,

in hopes that someone could perceive me as intelligent or philosophical-

when half of the words i use are from a thesaurus

all just to crush my belief that i am stupid.

i don’t care too much for embarrassment.

all of those things are simple molecules. 

i return home- as i find the ability to express myself again,

what creeps in this petty pace from day to day is my new friend; shame. 

now i have to ask this- so i can start a conversation with a friend-

would you rather feel shameful as the pen dances along the lines of the page or have cement blocks tied to your every inch-

somehow floating in a miserable peacefulness?