before and after.
Night
not too many moons ago,
i would shut my eyes and detect
a slight sadness in saying goodbye to my day
as i fade into a vortex of rem blankness.
until finally, the weight finally gave out from underneath us.
since that day, i only wish to sleep.
when i lay in bed, my conscience allows myself to believe you're here.
reminiscing how life mirrored what heaven only knows of.
as reflective as the act of sunshine hitting a sainted glass mosaic.
living in a happy secret all overflowing with fragility.
when the stars are out, i relive how i slept by your side-
so effortlessly, never any buffer.
melting into you without any feared consequence,
surprisingly falling asleep with too much ease,
no matter the time zone, no matter the bed.
i trace my bone structure curious if you found it precious
how we would fall asleep touching noses and foreheads,
my left hand residing behind the right side of your neck,
as if god molded my hand to live perfectly within in your jaw.
how we wrapped our hands around one another’s-
just like we were children, who captured a fairy,
sharing a mission to make sure it wouldn't fly away.
everything existed in an invasive and gentle space.
those tender, brown boyish eyes
would transform in the morning sunlight to a golden honey.
my divine evidence of night and day.
Morning
i would have woken up this morning sensitive.
aware of your heart that mimics hot wax.
beside me, a soft face shadowed by dark strands,
one i imagine my guardian angel to replicate.
i rise with the birds singing to me,
and i, nothing to sing about.
nothing to smell,
nothing to touch,
waking up as a vagabond-
one pillow
a naked mattress.
i wish for my mornings to be over.
i have learned to live in the silence.
regardless of how loud the ac unit hums
or a ceiling fan ticks.
pleasant surprises have wilted away.
my mind left hollow,
my heart is anonymous.
i must leave this bed.
to get out of my lost fantasy.
my two feet stretch for the ground.
Day.
i witness you in the trees,
in a leather jacket in a thrift store window.
the smell of stale, cheap popcorn.
my misery weighs my body.
i seemed to forget-
what it’s like when your routine switches.
i don’t miss you enough to the point of distraction,
it's a wonderful thing when you find a common friend
who lives in the same filter of the world that you do.
that miraculous bond is torture to abandon.
now, i revert back to keeping such careless observations quiet.
my thoughts stay in my head as i let my inner monologue run
attempting my simple tasks of dishes and showering myself clean.
forgetting what the last words were that i've spoken out loud.
how much of a loss is it?
when he lives and breathes the same vibrancy that i carry.
spirits can haunt indefinitely.
all existing in the same mind, soul,
and almost eye prescription.
i saw you as a lifeline
you saw me as a distraction.
what's polarizing to wonder is
which is worse?
i experienced the magic in the world
of understanding someone, experiencing something.
that's all there was to our heartbeat.
because after all, even your most cherished film has an ending.
———————————————————
“For the one I love most lay sleeping by me under the
same cover in the fantastic night,
In the stillness, in the autumn moonbeams,
his face was inclined toward me,
And his arm lay lightly around my breast-
and that night I was happy.”